Garden Birds You Won’t See In Your Garden*

 *Huge caveats lie ahead.

Garden birds, by the very name, are simple to define as a group. Birds you generally find in a garden. Easy, right? With the RSPB’s big garden birdwatch on the horizon, it’s soon time to dust off the binoculars and give the patio doors a good scrub, ahead of an hour endlessly staring at sparrows. The greatest citizen science project on Earth is beloved by the nation and by all accounts, it’s largely due to the ease of it. No hides or hikes, a sofa will do. The most important part is the publics knowledge of garden birds, a common and colourful collective that’s evoked ornithological passions for generations. Forget pigeon-holing species by family, garden birds are grouped by simply the idea of being seen scampering on a lawn or hanging on a feeder, for example. Tea towels, posters, jigsaws; you name it. Everyone is unanimous in what a garden bird really is.

Hang on, are we though? Stalwarts such as blackbirds and starlings are undisputed but where is the border? The answer is, the line is grey and murky. So, to crack on, here is my definitive list of garden birds you’ll never see in your garden.

I hear you ask, if the definition is so broad, how can I even quantify this? Well, by combining every list of perceived garden birds that I can find, here are the clear outliers. The huge caveat, of course, is that it’s not impossible to see them, it’s just hugely unlikely. Capercaillies are obviously out but this is more an assessment of whether they can be a true garden friend, alongside robins and wrens. Ask yourself, is the garden the most obvious place to see this species, or is it better associated with somewhere else? Okay I promise, I’ll crack on now…

NUTHATCH

This may be my East Anglian bias but I don’t know a single British garden that regularly welcomes nuthatches. I admit, they’re far more populous up north but even then, they tend to be broad-leaf forest specialists. Unless you literally live in a treehouse, I’m not allowing these guys as certified gardeners. They belong in the woods, far from the cheesy gnomes and greenhouses. If you happen to have nuthatches frequent your feeders daily, feel free to fight me (or enlighten me).

BLACKCAP 

These guys are firmly branded as garden birds these days, why though? They’re WARBLERS. I simply refuse to allow a warbler to be considered a garden bird. BaCk In My DaY… they were an exotic summer migrant you’d spot in parks and woodlands. Now, thanks to our dear friend climate change clenching its grip, blackcaps stay in Britain all year round. Don’t ask me if I’ve ever seen one in my garden, that would undermine my point. Visitor to gardens, certainly. Resident of gardens? Too far.

BRAMBLING

An easy assumption to make, given most other finches are guaranteed garden ticks yet any birder will tell you that a wintertime visit from a brambling would warrant a gasp and a dance. A seed consumer like their cousins means they do sometimes pay a garden visit, however putting them on the same level as golds and chaffs is an over-exaggeration. If it could just as well be twitched, it has no place on the pedestal of garden birds. 0.4% of UK gardens recorded bramblings in the 2022 birdwatch, proving my point really. Far too niche.

TREECREEPER 

They’re small and brown so that basically makes them as valid as dunnocks. I’m using the same excuse as the nuthatch here but if you’re genuinely crediting a treecreeper as a garden bird, I need some tips. Yes, I’ve seen plenty of treecreepers in my time but only ever in dense wooded areas, never sneaking up a lawn-side ash tree. These timid trunk-scuttlers would never visit you if you have anything less than two trees in your garden, so basically, most of the population. They don’t eat mealworms or peanuts so they ain’t got no time for your food. Lifetime ban from garden bird accreditation.

GREY  WAGTAIL

I can’t wrap my head around this one. Do not be confused with pied wagtails, which just about make the cut given their widely accepted urban status. The greys, for me, are a far more obscure rural dweller, akin to bobbing along babbling streams. Our towns and cities just aren’t suited for these yellow-flanked bouncers and, despite having seen one from my garden, I’d count that as a rarity. They tick that box of being small and relatively common but I refuse to label them as ‘garden’ dwellers. You’d need quite the pond to entice them anyway, a simple bird bath won’t do.

SWIFT

Honestly, fight me. I’m well up for it. Come at me. Before you do though, hear me out. If we’re going by the rules of the BGBW, only birds that land in your garden can be recorded, no flyovers. Granted, no one will have ever seen a swift, given the survey is always in January, but at no point should one be counted. A swift isn’t ever seen in the close vicinity of a garden and no, a nest hole on your house wall doesn’t count. In defence of the swift, it would be rude to pin them down to gardens, they are the eternal wanderers of the sky! They go wherever they want, not just above our backyards. They’re better than garden birds, literally above them.

Well that’s my list cracked on with and whilst the full UK birdwatch list from 2022 also threw up some other weird outliers (grey partridges, barn owls and corn buntings?!), I think the above candidates meet the brief. Did I miss any in your opinion? Let me know!!!!