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Ornithologists are an eclectic bunch. Often passionate, most of the time knowledgeable and proud of their undermined hobby. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and not everyone can tell a wigeon from a pigeon. People get it wrong from time to time but birders, being the picky bunch they are, will clench their fists at any vague biological inaccuracy. It comes from a place of wanting to spread knowledge but it can also come across as snotty and sensitive.
Got a bird nuts friend who you want to wind up? Or are you a bird nerd simply needing something to rile you up? Look no further, here is your to-do list in how to truly trigger any birder.
Incorrectly label them a twitcher
An absolute classic to get us started. There is always argey-bargey between self-confessed ‘elite’ birders who speed across country for one sighting versus those who go out for the wider experience of nature. If you fall in the latter category, your nose will turn up at being labelled a twitcher. Logically, this distaste doesn’t make much sense unless you disagree with a slightly more dedicated approach to birdwatching. A twitcher can still be a birder but not everyone goes on a wild red/breasted goose chase. It’s more the bundling of two tribes under one umbrella that causes discomfort. Like calling a Canadian American. So close yet so far.
Refer to bird ‘houses’
This one really shouldn’t touch a nerve but quite simply, it does. Trust me. In a birders mind, the wooden structure by which a bird builds its best must be referred to as a BOX, not a HOUSE. No windows, no doors and no central heating. These objects couldn’t be further from houses. If there’s one thing that gets a bird nerd’s goat, it’s the personification of wildlife. Animals must remain scientific objects and not anything with a personality or emotions. The notion of a bird rocking up to a house indicates they’ll soon pop their kettle on and watch TV. A box is a far more truthful depiction of the situation and even though a house can generally be described as somewhere in which someone lives, it’s still somehow wrong.
Feed bread to a duck
You’re lucky you don’t get birders snatching the bread out of your hands before shoving it down your throat. The environmentally friendly mantra which you’d think everyone knows by now is still lost on many and it seriously gets birdwatchers blood boiling. Bread is readily available at home and wildfowl clearly enjoy eating it. In that sense, where’s the harm? Well, imagine if someone gave you unlimited Nando’s for the rest of your life. Your eyes will most certainly be bigger than your belly. I don’t need to go over why feeding ducks bread is a sucky thing to do but the idea of hundreds of birds scrambling all over each other’s faeces just to get a crust should be indicative.
Say the word seagull
He who must not be named. Friendships have been torn apart by this name. There are reports of some birders jumping out of windows in anger at even the uttering of the word. It is ornithological sacrilege. But what’s so bad about the word seagull? (I know, I’ve said it at least twice now). They’re gulls and they live mostly by the sea. There’s no harm in that, right? In the mind of a birder, it most certainly does. The family of birds are exclusively gulls with no room for this colloquialism. No matter how many times a nature boff will tell their friends or colleagues otherwise, this scandalous name with forever remain in the vocabulary of the wider public. But in the end, is that a bad thing? Is the term incorrect? Birders would love for everyone to specify species but that’s probably pedantic.
Refer to a moorhen as a duck
If it swims like a duck and hangs around with other ducks then it must be a duck. This is again a simple mistake for most people to make but if birders ruled the high court, it would be up there with treason. The same goes for coots who often get lumbered into this same categorisation. Most parks have information signs dotted around but alas, they’re just not that interesting. Who has time to decipher which birds are members of the rail family? If only corncrakes were more common, this may well help distance rails from ducks.The narrow bill and pointed toes may give it away but if they’re milling around the local pond, it’s an understandable oversight. A birder may well let you off with a warning.
Let your dog off a lead
In a world of already tense human-wildlife conflict, the fight for green spaces which can be used for recreation as opposed to conservation is a contentious one. Birders want to see every park fenced off and left to grow like a meadow whereas the other 99% of the population want a patch of grass so that their French bulldog can waddle around. There is no right answer but if you’re on a dog walk and your furry friend gallops off into a flock of birds or an area where nesting could happen, that’s generally not cool. Most nature reserves ban dogs and while most owners have a mutual respect with their pets, naturalists would rather it if dogs never needed to go for walkies ever again.
Get a fake lawn
Have you ever looked at your biodiversity rich garden filled with insects and wildflowers but thought - I wish this was like tupperware. For context, natural lawns are difficult to manage and not suitable for everyone, however if you’re plonking one in there for laziness on it’s own, that ought to get a few birders fighty. When natural habitats are being diminished, stripping a backyard of its last remaining ecosystem is a middle finger to wildlife. It was bad enough that likely a meadow or a forest was destroyed to make way for housing to start with but now there’s 0% nature to be seen. There’s enough plastic in the ocean already, don’t carpet it over where grass should be.
Ask them to ID a generic bird
‘I saw a bird the other day. It was between the size of a sparrow and a pigeon. I didn’t get a picture or a video or a sound of its call but it did have wings. What was it?’ Every birder has had this sort of question. The key is to be tested in terms of of an ID, trying to uncover any slight quirk that may give it away. If it looked glossy, a likely starling. If it’s song was punchy but the bird itself difficult to see, a probably wren. Obscurity doesn’t help a birder and whilst they’d love to be able to officially verify what was there, it’s guesswork if there’s nothing to go on. This shouldn’t upset most people but then again, birders are obsessive nerds that must be 100% correct about anything feathered.
If there are any other birders left reading this, let me know how awful you feel on a scale of 1 - 10. For any non-birders, you have plenty of ammunition to get you started. Enjoy annoying all of the ornithologists out there!
Adios…
