IF BIRDS WENT ON LOVE ISLAND…

That time of year is upon us whereby you can segway from an hour of Springwatch to ITV2 for another hour of everyone’s hidden guilty pleasure: LOVE ISLAND. This isn’t high brow, Attenborough level content but it’s seemingly fascinating enough. The colourful courtship rituals of these so-called ‘influencers’ capture the attention of a nation for a whole summer but in the wider context of creatures on Earth, humans are quite dull. Birds on the other hand have a weird array of pulling techniques which got me thinking: which species of British bird would crack on with ease and who would be dumped from the island? There is no better group of animals to chirps their partners, trust me. It’s time for a metaphorical migration to Mallorca…

MALLARD

Let’s start with these bad boys. A familiar face that gets top billing on this list. A splash of colour and an addiction to carbs, how ruddy relatable? These absolute dons would couple up easily enough and with the prospect of adorbs ducklings, what could possibly go wrong? Well, they would surely get a tap on the wing from an ITV producer as their mating techniques take full force. To put it bluntly, their aggressive approach to flirtation, often in pugnacious gangs, would not be appropriate for even after the watershed. They’d be booted off after two episodes with Ian explaining they needed to return home ‘due to an ill relative’.

DUNNOCK

I wouldn’t hedge your bets on these guys. They don’t fit the usual requirements of a refined, hunky singleton, instead dressed in all brown and grey. What they lack in outward beauty is more than made up for in raw charisma. These birds know a thing or two about grafting and certainly have several notches on their bedpost. They have been known to copulate more than a hundred times a day, now that is cracking on. The flip side of what could be a steamy night in the hideaway is that each ‘session’ probably lasts for a fraction of a second. Barely time to catch your breath, literally. They would fail to entertain the public with form like that and end up being voted off first. It is what it is.

GUILLEMOT

On paper, sure fire winners. Sleek build, eyeliner on point and loves the beach. A perfect candidate with near enough Olympic diving credentials. Everyone loves an athlete. On the surface, they come across as passionate lovers, bonding during their courtship. They’d surely go through rocky patches, mostly because these tend to be ideal nesting habitats. However, as always, there’s a twist. This is a species that may look monogamous but the females fail to understand the meaning of the word. Adultery is rife amongst the colonies of these audacious auks and while it makes intrinsic biological sense for the birds, it would result in explosive arguments by the fire pit. It’s the type of content that we’d all secretly love to see. I reckon they’d make it to Casa Amore before all hell breaks loose. Congrats, hun.

GREAT CRESTED GREBE

You would find these glorious birds splashing in the pool more than you would find them lazing on the sun beds. With a frizzy barnet and ‘dark features’, they would comfortably win the hearts of everyone and definitely cause a bit of in-fighting. The hilarity is that turning heads is all part of their courtship routine. Put it this way, if there was a dancing challenge, they would win wings down. Even after their elegant mating ritual, male grebes still woo their lovers with bouquets of pondweed. Who said that gifts aren’t the route to the heart? Even when chicks have hatched, both parents stick together and even let their babies sail on their back. This level of devotion would see them get all the way to the final surely. 

WHITE TAILED SEA EAGLE

The closest we can go to call a bird fierce, these gargantuan predators are bulked up like personal trainers. They would intimidate without a doubt and they’d probably prefer pulling mackerel from the sea rather than pulling someone else for a chat. If you’d want to know where their heads where at, it would probably be dodging crows or finding a perfect pine forest to glide over. Whilst other birds boldly proclaim to mate for life, these eagles are legit. You wouldn’t be mugged off by one of these lot, who are famously serially monogamous. Again, masters of the dance floor, their aerial acrobatics help with wooing a partner and they stay together throughout the upbringing of the chicks. With a lifespan of over twenty years, they’re in for the long haul. Til death do they part, although an islander passing away wouldn’t make great tele. A bonifide fan favourite but perhaps pipped to the post at the last moment?

MUTE SWAN

The boss level for coupling up. These no-nonsense monsters would stir up the vibes in the villa and take no prisoners. They would make their presence known and try as hard as they can to oust any competition. No one likes violence but the odd swan bust-up would send Twitter ablaze. Despite their stern outlook, they would turn out to be gentle when it comes to love. More adorable courtship is sure to stem the odd tear or two. When nesting comes around, they take a leaf out of Cheryl’s book and fight for their love. Anyone remotely walking near them get an earful and whilst it’s not pleasant, it’s refreshing to see a couple standing up for one another. They’d win Love Island by a landslide, share the money and come back to two million Instagram followers each. Cob and Peng.

So that’s my take on this, but I wonder what the public thinks? Got any saucier suggestions? Let me know down below.

Adios…