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Let’s face it, birdwatching isn’t for everyone. For those curious enough to care about the hobby, there are often the same comments or quips thrown in our direction. For any ‘neutrals’, I’ve condensed a list of the most common conversations that I, and many other bird nerds, have heard many times before.
Q: Why do you like birds?
A: Because I’m allowed to, it’s not a crime.
Q: Do you spend your weekend in camo crouching in a bush?
A: Of course not. I sometimes do it on weekday evenings too.
Q: Oh so you’re one of them twitchers?
A: Sure, why not. *rolls eyes*
Q: What do you do for a job? Do you work in a nature reserve or a zoo or something?
A: Obviously, and I earn a comfortable living off the back of it.
Q: Have you got like a camera and all that?
A: I do, but it’s drained me of all my savings so that I can’t afford any other hobbies.
Q: Oh wow your pictures are sick. Have you thought about selling them?
A: Would you buy a print from me?
Q: Oh of course not.
A: *rolls eyes*
Q: What bird is that?
A: A carrion crow.
Q: So a normal crow?
A: Let’s go with that.
Q: How long is your camera lens?
A: A gentleman never tells.
Q: But do you like, feed the birds?
A: Yes, on the steps of St Paul’s. Tuppence a bag.
Q: Do you watch Attenborough and all of those other shows?
A: No but I love Top Gear.
Q: Would you ever have a bird as a pet?
A: I’d raise a squadron of goslings to do my bidding and crush my enemies. Or just get a budgie.
Q: If you like birds, why do you eat chicken?
A: It’s not my fault they taste so good.
Q: What would you do if you saw a bird get shot right in front you?
A: Probably worry that I was next?
Q: Have you seen those green parrots in London?
A: Yes and ring necked parakeets are an extremely destructive invasive species but of course, tropical vibes.
Q: I saw a flamingo on holiday once.
A: Lovely (but that’s not a question)
Q: Do you have a favourite bird?
A: Barn owl because they’re categorically the best.
Q: Okay but what’s the BEST bird you’ve ever seen.
A: Probably a Woodchat shrike.
Q:… what’s that?
A: *rolls eyes*
Q: What bird is that?
A: Feral pigeon.
Q: How do you remember all the birds?
A: When I was a small child, I was sent away to birding school.
Q: What would you chose if you had to decide between birds and football?
A: If football, I wouldn’t be able to support ‘the canaries’.
Q: Have you ever been pooed on?
A: By a bird?
Q: Have you ever seen a Dodo?
A: Nope, not since we murdered them all in the 1600s.
Q: I saw in the news that there was a rare bird in Cornwall. Did you see it?
A: No I didn’t but thanks for reinforcing the crippling FOMO.
Q: Do you practice bird calls in your spare time? I bet you do.
A: I most certainly do not. *Suppresses urge to whistle like a wigeon*
Q: What bird is this? I looked it up and it says it’s an ‘alpine accentor’
A: That’s a dunnock.
Q: Mate you’d love Malta, I saw loads of birds there. Ever been?
A: Not on my list to be honest.
Q: Have you ever been attacked by a swan?
A: My arm never fully recovered after the transplant.
Q: What type of seagull is that?
A: *don’t say it, don’t say it*
Q: I bet you love staring at birds with your binoculars. Birds of the feathered kind yeah?
A: Please leave me alone.
Well that pretty much covers it but let me know if I’ve missed some obvious clangers!
Adios…
